We regret to inform you that you are about to die.
by Annalise Barber
[Insert today’s date]
To [insert appropriate name],
We regret to inform you that you are about to die.
We would offer some solace about this being a “natural” process.
Unfortunately, death is unnatural, and consequently will be quite painful. We recognize
that you may feel alarmed by this realization; we recommend visiting these websites for
further help in processing: https://terminalillness.org/resources/handy-tricks-and-tips/
and https://whattoexpectwhenyoureexpectingtodie.com.
Though it will not matter much once you’re in The Here, we also recommend that you
revisit your will. Oftentimes, such matters as your estate, the executioner of your estate,
where you want your children to be placed, etc. change from when you first wrote the
document. (If you wrote one at all.)
To prepare you for your next stage of existence, we’ve enclosed the invoice from your
life. (This will need to be paid upon death.) We also included some frequently asked
questions to help ease the transition.
Please send any comments or concerns via the return envelope as soon as possible.
(Given your state, we recommend sending it very soon.)
Sincerely,
The Universe, Office of The Creator
INVOICE
Submitted on [insert today’s date]
Invoice for Payable to Invoice #
[Insert recipient’s name] The Office of the Creator 100,825,272,792
[Street Address]
[City, State (if applicable), Project Name Due date
Zip, Country, Planet] The Case of [insert expected day
[insert appropriate name] of death]
Description Cost
1. The vaginal tearing inflicted upon At least a decade of life.
your mother during your birth. (Obviously.)
2. The yell of “I hate you” TBD.
to a family member.
3. The time you diverted your eyes, Guilt.
pretending that you didn’t see.
4. The lunches at a morally ambiguous Fiery defecation.
restaurant because the [insert food
item] was too good to pass up.
5. The lifelong bitterness and/or hate Youth.
toward [insert corresponding name].
6. The ignored phone calls from your Lifelong passive-aggressive
mother and/or maternal caregiver. maternal comments.
There were many other incidents; however, we found these to be the most costly.
Upon request, we can direct you via written works, philosophy, scientific research, and/or prayer to The Mediator who can forgive any outstanding debts.
If not, methods of acceptable payment include Venmo, PayPal, checks, and organ donation.
Thank you for working with us. We’ll see you soon.
FAQs
Is there anything that I should pack?
No.
How much longer do I have to live?
Please refer to your medical provider
or physician for specifics about timing.
Why?
There are many existential answers to this question,
each proposed by different artists, writers, philosophers, etc.
But, in short, because your world is broken.
To [insert appropriate name],
We regret to inform you that you are about to die.
We would offer some solace about this being a “natural” process.
Unfortunately, death is unnatural, and consequently will be quite painful. We recognize
that you may feel alarmed by this realization; we recommend visiting these websites for
further help in processing: https://terminalillness.org/resources/handy-tricks-and-tips/
and https://whattoexpectwhenyoureexpectingtodie.com.
Though it will not matter much once you’re in The Here, we also recommend that you
revisit your will. Oftentimes, such matters as your estate, the executioner of your estate,
where you want your children to be placed, etc. change from when you first wrote the
document. (If you wrote one at all.)
To prepare you for your next stage of existence, we’ve enclosed the invoice from your
life. (This will need to be paid upon death.) We also included some frequently asked
questions to help ease the transition.
Please send any comments or concerns via the return envelope as soon as possible.
(Given your state, we recommend sending it very soon.)
Sincerely,
The Universe, Office of The Creator
INVOICE
Submitted on [insert today’s date]
Invoice for Payable to Invoice #
[Insert recipient’s name] The Office of the Creator 100,825,272,792
[Street Address]
[City, State (if applicable), Project Name Due date
Zip, Country, Planet] The Case of [insert expected day
[insert appropriate name] of death]
Description Cost
1. The vaginal tearing inflicted upon At least a decade of life.
your mother during your birth. (Obviously.)
2. The yell of “I hate you” TBD.
to a family member.
3. The time you diverted your eyes, Guilt.
pretending that you didn’t see.
4. The lunches at a morally ambiguous Fiery defecation.
restaurant because the [insert food
item] was too good to pass up.
5. The lifelong bitterness and/or hate Youth.
toward [insert corresponding name].
6. The ignored phone calls from your Lifelong passive-aggressive
mother and/or maternal caregiver. maternal comments.
There were many other incidents; however, we found these to be the most costly.
Upon request, we can direct you via written works, philosophy, scientific research, and/or prayer to The Mediator who can forgive any outstanding debts.
If not, methods of acceptable payment include Venmo, PayPal, checks, and organ donation.
Thank you for working with us. We’ll see you soon.
FAQs
Is there anything that I should pack?
No.
How much longer do I have to live?
Please refer to your medical provider
or physician for specifics about timing.
Why?
There are many existential answers to this question,
each proposed by different artists, writers, philosophers, etc.
But, in short, because your world is broken.